A 12-year-old boy recently asked about the changes his body experiences during puberty. While he understood the physical transformations, his primary concern was whether what he was experiencing was normal.
The key takeaway from this conversation wasn’t just the facts about physical development—it was the sense of reassurance. The relief was visible when this child realized that everything he was going through was a natural part of growing up. That moment of validation helped build a foundation of trust, acceptance, and open communication for future discussions.
Let’s dive into how this question came up, the approach taken to address it, and why normalizing these changes can positively impact a child’s sense of self during this pivotal stage.
Please Note:
I want to emphasise that the approach shared in these posts is just one way to handle sensitive questions from children. As a parent or caregiver, you know your child best—what they respond to, how they process information, and what communication style suits them. You may choose a different method or adapt this to fit your family’s dynamic.
The goal here is not to prescribe a universal solution but to offer a possible way to navigate these conversations if they align with your approach. Ultimately, it’s about providing support, fostering open dialogue, and equipping you with ideas to handle tricky topics when they arise.
For many kids, asking questions about their changing bodies or sensitive topics can feel daunting—especially when they’re seeking reassurance that what they’re experiencing is normal. Creating an environment that encourages open dialogue without making the child feel rushed or pressured is crucial. In this case, the child struggled to articulate their question despite clearly wanting to ask.
Offering gentle reassurance can help ease their discomfort. Letting them know that any question they ask is valid and that nothing they say will shock or upset you can help build trust (even if you’re surprised, try not to show it). You could also try alternative strategies, like having the conversation in a car where you focus on driving or suggesting they talk while you look away. Sometimes, removing direct eye contact can make intimidating conversations feel more manageable.
These minor adjustments can create a more comfortable space, allowing kids to open up on their terms and paving the way for future discussions.
What happened
When the child finally voiced their concern, saying, “I think I’m having wet dreams,” it was a pivotal moment. Handling such admissions with care is essential—this is not the time for jokes or dismissiveness. Kids seek reassurance, not ridicule, so your response should be encouraging and nonjudgmental.
If you’re unsure how to respond immediately, a helpful strategy is rephrasing the question to them, like: “Why do you think you’re having wet dreams?” This allows you to collect your thoughts while showing the child you’re listening and taking them seriously.
In this situation, the parent followed up with a clarifying question: “Are you waking up wet in the morning?” This acknowledged the child’s concern and helped create an open and honest dialogue. Handling the conversation with calm curiosity and respect can help kids feel safe and validated, strengthening trust for future discussions.
When the child responded, “Wet? Why would I be wet?” it prompted reflection and reassessment. This was a clear indicator that the situation needed further clarification. Was the child experiencing wet dreams, or were they unsure what a wet dream meant? Or perhaps they were describing something entirely different.
In such situations, it’s important not to jump to conclusions or immediately start explaining what a wet dream is. Instead, the best approach is to ask open-ended questions to let the child explain what they’re experiencing in their own words. For example:
- “What makes you think you’re having wet dreams?”
- “Can you tell me what’s been happening that made you think about this?”
This allows the child to clarify their thoughts without feeling overwhelmed or led in a particular direction. It also ensures you address their concerns rather than projecting assumptions onto their experience. Open-ended dialogue creates space for understanding and mutual trust.
It’s vital to let the child articulate their experience first, as this gives insight into what they’re going through and helps gauge their understanding of the situation. In this particular scenario, the child shared that when they thought about certain things, “their penis got hard.”
This response highlights a few critical cues for parents: the language and emotions expressed. In this case, the child’s choice of words and tone suggested a mix of fear and confusion. He seemed worried that his body was acting abnormally, that his thoughts were somehow “wrong,” or that he might get into trouble for experiencing these changes.
The parent’s role here is to validate and reassure while providing precise, age-appropriate information. It’s an opportunity to explain that these changes are a natural part of growing up, emphasizing that there’s nothing “bad” or “wrong” about what the child is experiencing. Staying calm, attentive, and open sets the stage for a safe and trusting conversation.
The Conversation
Parent (P): Oh, that’s completely normal.
Child (C): It is?
P: Absolutely, buddy! As your body goes through puberty, you develop hormones, and some of them can cause your body to react in ways like that. For instance, your penis might get hard when you think about certain things, see something, or even randomly when you’re not expecting it.
C: It’s normal?
P: Yep, totally normal. Did you want to share what you were thinking about that might cause it?
C: Umm… I’m worried you’ll get upset.
P: Not at all, buddy. Would it help if I guessed a few things it might be?
In this case, the parent guided the conversation gently by suggesting possibilities, creating an opportunity to understand better what the child might have been exposed to—whether it’s something seen, heard, or simply a natural curiosity.
This approach reassures the child and helps parents stay attuned to their child’s experiences. The key here is maintaining a non-judgmental, open stance, signalling that the child is in a safe, supportive environment to explore these sensitive topics.
Parent (P): Were you thinking about girls?
Child (C): No.
P: Hmm, okay. Were you thinking about boys?
C: No.
P: Hmm… boob’s?
C: No, no—it’s just that I saw something and keep thinking about it.
P: Oh, okay. What did you see?
C: I was on Netflix, and some people were grinding against each other in one of the shows. I think they called it dry humping in the show. And now, when I think about it, it gets hard.
P: Oh, well, that’s completely normal.
C: It is?
P: Yup, totally normal. As your body changes through puberty, those hormones I mentioned earlier—and some changes in your brain—can cause your body to react to things you see. Every boy and girl experiences this differently, and it’s all part of growing up.
What stands out here is how the parent maintained composure and focused solely on normalising the child’s physical reaction. The emphasis was on providing a calm, factual response that reassured the child they were not alone or abnormal in what they were experiencing.
Important to Note
The parent intentionally avoided addressing the show’s content in this conversation. Why? Mixing a discussion about body changes with a potential critique of their media choices might create unintended feelings of shame about their natural reactions. Addressing these topics separately ensures the child feels supported about their body while opening the door for future discussions about appropriate viewing habits.
Notice how the original question—”Am I having wet dreams?”—didn’t come back up. The child needed reassurance that what they were experiencing was completely normal. They weren’t necessarily seeking a detailed explanation but rather validation that their body’s changes weren’t something to worry about.
As a parent or caregiver, it’s up to you to decide whether to delve deeper into topics like the difference between an erection and a wet dream. This depends on your child’s interest, comfort level, and whether they seem curious enough to want more details. Some kids will ask follow-up questions; others won’t. Some want to know everything, while others are content with the basics.
The key is to guide the conversation based on your child’s cues—look for signs in their body language, tone of voice, and the questions they’re asking (or not asking). Staying present and responsive helps build trust and comfort.
Ultimately, by creating a safe and open space, you make it easier for them to come to you with questions in the future. This isn’t just a one-time conversation—it’s laying the groundwork for a lifetime of open communication.